We were doing fine!: DAY 2 of Summer Solstise:
I am not going to blame my feelings nor my emotions getting the best of me.She's right, but she has to admit though.. that for two people who "supposedly" hate each other (and I say this because I know I could never hate her) we at least know each other 'in a way.'She is true again, I embarrassingly admit, because if I truly had been doing what I was supposed to be doing for right now; I could have at least got her to talk to me more.She was right, I am a hypocrite, a loser, double-faced and also a lie.I too would laugh at someone who was acting in this incorrect manner because they were the biggest joke who truly had ever walked the foot of this earth before.
I have to kick myself for being the natural idiot that I am because my words have NEVER matched the actions that I continually promise to show her. My 'bark' (or in that case- my 'meow' ) is a lot louder than most due to the fact of how fake I really am, therefore it helps me compensate to utilize my non-nonsensical babble to only 'appear' to be what I know I am not (well, at least for now that is). Even though she doesn't discuss anything about herself to me. and rightfully has the right to be mad as hell at me right now; she is the realest person I have ever met (I am freaking serious right now too), but I know deep down in my heart she knows I am real too but that I am clearly not being that with her yet. Honestly, I have no idea in the world how she can even stand being around me! Yes, I am annoyingly crazy as hell, so no I will not ever get mad at her and it is only because she is telling the truth.
Now I could see it, if she was telling me a fake story and was lying to my face because if she had been then I would have never messed with her in the first place. She knows why I am here, and plus she has like this sort of "mom-intuition" about herself to where it is hard to explain but she be like very psychic and will know all of my kiddish games and stuff. Also, I think she like a P.I. cause like I can see her nailing some people who need and deserve it; myself included. I mean, no I am not a abuser but I need to focus on the word choices I use with her and also with others. She right again, I am very stubborn and lazy, but I have been getting a bit better with my persistent nature in maintaining my daily responsibilities, coordinating performances in drama and in my music, setting up a workable plan to get some of this weight off of my fat self, etc. but even she know (as well as I do now) that is nothing because all it really had came from was through being sober and learning about science, the world, and other spiritual movements, etc.
However, I am ARIES lol, and we are fighters for what is right and she's a LEO so that is why she really will tell you everything that is on her mind but she is honest with it (what more can anyone demand from her because she is who she is though?!) Whatever, even through our most recent (I like to call it because it's true) "battle we're in right now cause right now she is about to rip out my guts and hair right now"I come back on here cause I like her; yes, she may sue me and I would still come back to her! I really just lie being around her, and plus cause LEO is the center of attention always, they always dress/act appropriately, as well as trendy; she's a social butterfly, and that's what I like. I intend to change my words with her because I had read somewhere too that out of a man's mouth (or in this case, a woman's mouth) is truly what he/she is feeling inside of their heart. Yes, I have thrown those three little words: "I love you" forever with her now, but I know deep down that I do really do like her though more than just an 'idea or a concept). All I wanted from her really was just her friendship because as naive and still crazy as hell I just like her cause she is hip and she stays in style. This time around maybe I can actualy show her that I would like just a friendship with her so we can laugh and pick on each other again!
Signing off: Kush and wisdom, morning pages for right now
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